I've been absent for quite some time now. Which excuse would you like to hear first? If I'm going to be honest, the only real reason is simple: I got lost in life, and I only just recently discovered the way out of the tangle.
Just before Christmas, I found out that the current business structure of my employer was changing. And though I wasn't losing my job, it was clear to me that my needs and the needs of the business no longer matched. I LOVED my job. I felt empowered. I knew how to do my job well. And I was good at it. I had friends that felt more like family. My family and I had a good schedule; a cadence. So when I decided to leave this job and these people I loved so very much, it felt like my world was flipped upside down.
Who knew that 12 hours after I applied for a particular job, I'd get a call to interview. Two weeks after that, a job offer. There was a lot of fear. No longer would I be working from home three days a week. No more "best of both worlds" being a working mom. It was a tough transition. Much harder than I anticipated.
But the oddest thing happened when I left the life I loved: I got happier. Let me explain: when I worked from home, I was also simultaneously parenting toddlers. This is quite the juggling act sometimes. I was stressed out, trying to balance priorities. I yelled at my kids... a lot. I wanted my son to act 30, not 3. (Why it is that every time I had a phone meeting, they lost their minds is beyond me!) Fast forward to today: my son, for the first time ever, chooses ME to rock him and cuddle before bed. For those that know my son, this is a shocker. He's a daddy's boy, through and through.
On the flip-side, something else happened: I became a shadow of the person I was. In the quest for balance, I stopped taking care of myself. I felt lost in my career. Every day I came home thinking, "I have no idea what I'm doing." Everything was new. And I felt very... amateur. I became insecure, frustrated, uncomfortable. I lost the determination to be awesome at what I do. I lost my ability to feel confident in independence. And you guys, I am so socially awkward. Like... seriously.
And while this was all very apparent to me from the get-go, it was like an out-of-body experience. I saw myself drowning in uncertainty, but all I could do was watch. It wasn't until this weekend that I saw a crack to claw.
My daughter has always been timid. Every time we go to the Y, and I drop her off at the daycare, they have to peel her off of me as mammoth tears stream down her cheeks. Abandonment. Fear. Loneliness. Strangers. Without fail, the workers would come get me EVERY TIME, because they couldn't get her to calm down. Feeling guilty that I had just started going in to work full-time, I avoided causing her to feel this way as much as possible. Saturday, however, was different. I took of her shoes and stood her on her feet. She lifted up her head, and slowly, one foot in front of the other, walked herself in without help, without anyone trying to convince her that it was okay. She just walked in without looking back.
After working out for over an hour, I felt better. I felt like my old self again. A little more confident. A lot more level-headed. It was in that moment that I realized that there's a direct correlation between working on strengthening my body, and also improving my mind/spirit. And like my not-such-a-baby-girl-anymore, it's time for me to take a step forward. I've sat in the discomfort and pity for long enough. It's time to accept that life is different than what I thought it was going to be and just keep moving.
So here's where I begin: I'm going to start taking care of myself. I'm going to try out a new class or two. And I'm scared, which I know is so dumb. But I've gotta start somewhere. So there I'll be... tip-toeing to the back of the class, shoulders slightly curved in, tummy soft, nervous smiles, clumsy feet and hands, not knowing what I'm doing. If my 1 year old can do it, so can I.
Here goes.
Just before Christmas, I found out that the current business structure of my employer was changing. And though I wasn't losing my job, it was clear to me that my needs and the needs of the business no longer matched. I LOVED my job. I felt empowered. I knew how to do my job well. And I was good at it. I had friends that felt more like family. My family and I had a good schedule; a cadence. So when I decided to leave this job and these people I loved so very much, it felt like my world was flipped upside down.
Who knew that 12 hours after I applied for a particular job, I'd get a call to interview. Two weeks after that, a job offer. There was a lot of fear. No longer would I be working from home three days a week. No more "best of both worlds" being a working mom. It was a tough transition. Much harder than I anticipated.
But the oddest thing happened when I left the life I loved: I got happier. Let me explain: when I worked from home, I was also simultaneously parenting toddlers. This is quite the juggling act sometimes. I was stressed out, trying to balance priorities. I yelled at my kids... a lot. I wanted my son to act 30, not 3. (Why it is that every time I had a phone meeting, they lost their minds is beyond me!) Fast forward to today: my son, for the first time ever, chooses ME to rock him and cuddle before bed. For those that know my son, this is a shocker. He's a daddy's boy, through and through.
On the flip-side, something else happened: I became a shadow of the person I was. In the quest for balance, I stopped taking care of myself. I felt lost in my career. Every day I came home thinking, "I have no idea what I'm doing." Everything was new. And I felt very... amateur. I became insecure, frustrated, uncomfortable. I lost the determination to be awesome at what I do. I lost my ability to feel confident in independence. And you guys, I am so socially awkward. Like... seriously.
And while this was all very apparent to me from the get-go, it was like an out-of-body experience. I saw myself drowning in uncertainty, but all I could do was watch. It wasn't until this weekend that I saw a crack to claw.
My daughter has always been timid. Every time we go to the Y, and I drop her off at the daycare, they have to peel her off of me as mammoth tears stream down her cheeks. Abandonment. Fear. Loneliness. Strangers. Without fail, the workers would come get me EVERY TIME, because they couldn't get her to calm down. Feeling guilty that I had just started going in to work full-time, I avoided causing her to feel this way as much as possible. Saturday, however, was different. I took of her shoes and stood her on her feet. She lifted up her head, and slowly, one foot in front of the other, walked herself in without help, without anyone trying to convince her that it was okay. She just walked in without looking back.
After working out for over an hour, I felt better. I felt like my old self again. A little more confident. A lot more level-headed. It was in that moment that I realized that there's a direct correlation between working on strengthening my body, and also improving my mind/spirit. And like my not-such-a-baby-girl-anymore, it's time for me to take a step forward. I've sat in the discomfort and pity for long enough. It's time to accept that life is different than what I thought it was going to be and just keep moving.
So here's where I begin: I'm going to start taking care of myself. I'm going to try out a new class or two. And I'm scared, which I know is so dumb. But I've gotta start somewhere. So there I'll be... tip-toeing to the back of the class, shoulders slightly curved in, tummy soft, nervous smiles, clumsy feet and hands, not knowing what I'm doing. If my 1 year old can do it, so can I.
Here goes.
love it! going through some similar things these last months. hugs!
ReplyDeleteLove reading your words!! Proud of all the steps you are taking! Inspiring! ❤️
ReplyDelete