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In Retrospect

Baby Girl is almost a month old already, and I haven't finished documenting my thoughts/reaction to her. I need to get it down in writing before I forget. So here it goes...

When Toddler Boy was born, my first thought wasn't "Oh, yay! My baby is here! He's so cute!" Rather, I didn't even look at him for maybe 2 minutes. Instead, my first thought was, "He's going to be an only child." But what would you expect from someone that just went through 31 hours of labor?

With Baby Girl, it was different. Because we didn't know I was pregnant until a week before my second trimester, she didn't feel new to me. Rather, when I saw her, I looked at her face and took it in... because in my mind, she's always been. I don't know when she came to be, she just was.

Our associate pastor came to visit us in the hospital and before praying over her, he read Psalm 139:13-18:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.

Many of you have heard this passage numerous times, as had I. Only this time, it was different. It was like I was reading a letter written by my daughter to her Creator—the One who knew her long before we did. The One who was perfectly forming her before we knew she was joining us.

With Baby Girl, the experience was much more profound. Of course, I also wasn't a first-time mom this go round. I was much more at ease. More patient.

She calmly jumped into the mix of our family. I expected mommy guilt. But what I didn't expect was that the guilt would be centered on my son, not on my baby girl. I came home from the hospital and felt guilty for having another baby. I briefly mourned memories I could have made with an only child. I felt guilty that my attention had to be split.

Toddler Boy made it easier for me to move past this. He loves his baby sister.

And yesterday, I looked at them and realized: I was born because the world needs them. And so do I.

I'm so thankful for this sweet baby girl. For how she softens me in a way I least expected. I can't wait to learn her and watch her grow. We have so much to show you, Baby Girl. But for now, dream away.  Life is short, and we intend to fill it up with all sorts of awesome. You're going to need your sleep.


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